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Sometimes I can't believe how stupid I am. Why do I keep thinking people will change? Haven't I learned my lesson already?

I'm so sick of people making promises that they won't/can't keep. If you can't follow through with your plans, then keep your mouth shut.

In some ways I'm like the abused wife that doesn't tell anyone because she's afraid of what people will think of her. I've learned not to tell my friends of the outstanding promises my 'family'--I consider my real family to be my grandmother, sister, and a select group of friends--have made to me, in part because they're right to think me daft for believing it, and in part because it saves me the trouble of explaining why the promises never come through.

At some level, my dear 'family,' your lies and empty promises give me more than the promises themselves could. At some level, that makes me happy because it's just that much easier to pretend you don't exist, to move closer to ridding myself of you entirely, to live my life sans your lies, drama, and excuses.

I had a dream the other night that my parents--not my real parents, just people who in the dream were my parents--were dying. They bought a house, left it to me, did everything to make sure I'd be okay when they were gone. Despite the somber nature of the dream, I felt a great comfort when I woke. Sad that the random electrochemical impulses of my brain can serve up more comfort for me in one hour than you have in the past five years.

I probably should be studying for my upcoming biology and chemistry exams (not to mention doing my pre-labs for next week), but i've gotten into one of those self-loathing, depressed, what-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life kind of moods. Alot's been happening, and I just want to organize my thoughts so here goes.

First off, school. I really don't like/care about what I'm doing. I've been calculating vectors and determining equilibrium constants for so long that it's lost its appeal. Really, what am I going to do with a science degree? I'll end up in some boring job that I hate in a poorly ventilated lab pouring chemicals from big bottles into little bottles, earning a mediocre salary. I've all but given up all hope of getting into medical/veterinary/optometry, or any professional school for that matter. There's no way I can compete with these people that volunteer 25 hours a week, are on every council, and still pull off a ninety-five average, especially when there are only a hundred or so spots for all the students in ontario.

Maybe I'll end up switching faculties next year into something more meaningful. I don't know.

Family life has been its usual hellish rollercoaster ride. I had thanksgiving dinner with my sister and her boyfriend, and that was okay. But then I had to have another dinner at my mother's. I don't know what to make of her anymore. On one hand I feel incredibly sorry for her, and on the other I want nothing to do with her anymore. What is my responsibilty in this situation? Do I have an obligation to help someone, even if they've been systematically making my life hell for the past ten years, simply because they're family? Even after they've gone so far as to kick me out, and call me--in their professional opinion--mentally unstable?

And what makes things worse is my family's been bugging me through e-mail lately. I know that sounds stupid, but e-mail, letters, and instant messages are things that I use exclusively for friends. I feel as though my family is in some way perverting the worlds I've tried to keep separate from them.

Case in point: my mother sent me a gushy "i miss you and I love you e-mail." First off all I could think was that it's probably because she's broken up with her husband (again), and none of her friends want anything to do with her anymore, and she's finally almost completely alone just like everyone she's ever wronged always said she'd be. And then I felt really sad for her. And then I was just mad that she would send something like that in an email. In some way, it was like she was violating Mila's territory, namely, e-mail.

But that's all an aside. What she wrote took me by surprise, and I don't know what to make of it. Even if it is genuine, which remains to be seen, I can't help but feel that it's too late. The damage has been done, and I don't want a 'loving' relationship with her--I haven't for quite some time. Sure, I'm willing to be amicable, but nothing like what she's looking for. Is that selfish of me?

Also on the family front, my aunt finally called me today, after two months. She's another one that I don't know what to make of anymore. I don't know if it's a case of out-of-sight, out-of-mind, but she hasn't come through on any of her promises. In fact, it seems like I haven't existed for her since she left. And it's not just me either--she's had no contact at all with my sister, which is unheard of. Our conversation was spartan and unfamiliar, feeling more like a formality than anything. Nothing's the same anymore.

In my personal life, I'm feeling very stupid yet again. I had kind of a pseudo-date last night, and yet again I went almost the whole night without saying anything. It feels like I'm going to be alone forever because I'm too stupid to open my mouth and talk.

A few funny things happened to brighten my evening though. First, the guy, Nick, I'd only met once before at a party kind of thing, and it was dark. Last night when I saw him in a less poorly lit setting, I realized, to my surprise, that he was somewhat punk-ish. Not completely punk, but punk-ish. That didn't matter though, I still like him, and he seems very nice.

The second funny thing was a very akward moment when we were in Cafe One. Nick was sitting across from me, and a blond guy was sitting next to me. Blond guy out of nowhere says to me "so, I hear you like Nick.....wait a minute, we should be quiet....I think he's listening to us."

My night ended kind of strangely. I attempted to come out to one of my new friends from university. Basically I told her the person who i went on a date with was named Nick. It was followed by a silence, and then quick change of subject. I'm not sure what to make of it.