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[ December 3, 2001 | 12:39 am | Britney Spears - Overprotected ] So, I'm finally updating again.
A quick recap of the last couple of months.....
And a few things that are coming up in my life... Okay, so rather than bore you with every detail that's happened, I'll jump to the really juicy stuff. On the Tuesday after my birthday I was very close to calling mike, but chickened out. The next day, the same happened, but then I called Mila. She yelled at me and made me promise I'd call him. So I did, and I asked him to the movies. I think it was possibly the most difficult thing I've ever done and when it was over, I was exausted. But it only lasted a few minutes because he was eating--he said to call back Friday and we'd find out what we were doing then. Friday night I called and we decided on Saturday (since he had to go to Amanda's birthday gathering that night). So we went to see Monsters' Inc with Steph and Desi. I was skeptical about the movie, but it was surprisingly funny. But here's the bad part: I only said about 15 words the entire night. Damn my shyness! Other than that though, I had a great time--just being around him makes me happy. After the movie we went to Burger King, then Chapters, then home. All in all, it was good times. [ December 5, 2001 | 12:01 am | ATC - I'm in Heaven When You Kiss Me ] Today's been weird. We have a student teacher in English and he's very talented about pointing out the obvious. Basically we have this week to work on our seminars, but he keeps interrupting, pointing out what we should be doing. I mean, this is only the 4th year in a row we've had to do this, it's pretty standard. Maybe he's just trying to be thorough and I should cut him a break. What really bugs me though is today we found out he'd be marking the seminars. I've spent all of highschool learning Kinczyk's ways and what he likes to see, and at this point I know exactly what he wants in a seminar. But now this student teacher enters the equation, who for the most part is inexperienced, who we've had no time to get to know, and he's been given authority over 10% of my final mark. This mark could potentially be the difference between a $1000 schollarship next year or a $3000. I don't like that at all. Janet didn't show up for English today, so it was just Mila and me working on the seminar. It's really strange--we actually agreed on a thesis and had it done the first day. I was expecting a week long argument like last time Physics was physics and chemistry was okay, i guess. For the most part, school has just been blah lately. It's really getting to me, all the work we've been doing. I came home this afternoon and was completely exausted. I ate, then fell asleep. About 6 Janet called and said "you sound tired...you should go to sleep" then i said I was sleeping before she called and she says "alright then, go back to sleep....oh, wait, do you have any white indoor Christmas lights I can borrow?" She needs them as decorations because she's been organizing the school's semi-formal, a major yearly dance thing which is this Friday. People keep asking if I'll be going, but I'm not--I don't know, it's just not something I think I'd enjoy. So altogether tonight I've slept about 5 hours and have gotten no homework done. There's something I've glossed over, and I really think I should get it out of me. In November, there was a two week period where I was extremely depressed. At one point I went almost 3 days without eating, I guess to punish myself. For a few days I did nothing but sit around in silence, staring, thinking about anything and everything. I was extremely angry with myself, for wasting so much time, for being shy, for having made no real accomplishments so far in my life. It was the first time I actually cried in 8 years. For a while, I even considered what it would be like if I just killed myself. Don't worry though, I'm mostly over it now. I mean, whenever I stop working and actually think, the depression is still there, but not as bad as it was. It's strange...I'm mostly not a very openly emotional person, but when it comes, there's no middle ground at all. When I met Mila, I knew I loved her immediately. I even thought I might have been able to be attracted to her if I tried hard enough. Once I even went to Toronto and bought a 60 dollar ticket to the symphony so I could 'bumb into' her on the weekend when we were just getting to know each other. When I told her this awhile ago, she just laughed and said I'd made her day. I know it makes no sense at all, but I'm feeling that again...it's constantly there, a pressure in my stomach, and on the back of my throat, and on my temples. It won't stop. Sometimes it hurts. [ December 8, 2001 | 1:03 am | Love Inc - You're a Superstar ] I just ran into Mike at Timmy's. Mila and Paul showed up around 11:00 after semi, came in and talked for awhile, asked if I wanted to go to the park to see Fantasy of Lights. We went, in Paul's van--the beast--but when we got there the lights were off and the entrance was blocked. So we ended up going to Timmy's for coffee. We got a table in the back and talked about semi, how bad it was. Apparently Jenny was voted queen. A sad state of affairs if you know Jenny :) From there the conversation went all over the place....Paul pretended to be drunk and Mila asked if I would still respect her if she beacme an exotic dancer. But Paul was getting tired and he still had to drive Mila back to London so we decided to call it a night. I was going to walk home since I live only 3 houses down from Timmy's. I hugged Mila good bye and went for the side door, but it was locked. I turned around to catch up to Mila and Mike was by the register in line. He said hey, the usual, i did the same. Then I ran after Mila to tell her Mike was inside...and since I chased after her I had to get them to give me a ride home otherwise I'd have to walk back the other way again and it would have looked weird :D So now I'm back at home and I have all kinds of energy. It's 1 am and I'm doing laundry. Steph tried to call him today but he was sleeping. Hopefully she'll be able to reach him tomorrow and he'll be able to come to the movies with us. [ December 30, 2001 | 11:56 pm | Kylie Minogue - Fever ] I hate when there's nothing to do. It drives me mad, makes me depressed. Because when there's nothing to do, my mind can wander. It can think about all the things I try to block out, everything I want but can't have. It can picture the way things should have been. I used to think my obsession over school was because it was my only way out of this house and out of this town. I was only half right, though. It is an escape, just not the one i thought. It was my way of escaping myself, these thoughts that make me crazy, that make me helpless. When there's nothing to do, I start to learn things about myself, things that I wish would stay burried. Things like the reason why there's nothing to do. It's because cale is a fraud, an actor, and a bad one at that. cale doesn't like the things he says he likes. he only says he likes them because he thinks that's what other people want to hear. The truth is that cale doesn't like much of anything. cale has no hobbies at all. he says he loves classical music. but it's a lie. he only knows a handful of the best compositions, so that he can pretend he's a music lover and impress people, make them think he's high brow. cale says he loves to read. another lie. cale hates books, hates to read. he would rather go see a movie than pick up a book any day. but he pretends to love books, struggling through page after page so that he can pride himself on being "well read" and give the appearance of being part of some phantom intelligentsia. cale says he's passionate about politics and history. it's not true. cale spends hours reading news sites, lurking behind the scenes in political discussion forums, but it's not because of passion or a desire to understand the world. no, his motivations are entirely selfish. cale likes to argue about politics, preferably loud and in public, so that people will think him informed, above others. And so there's nothing to do, because school's out for two weeks, and everything that cale says he loves to do in his spare time, he hates. And with nothing to do, the self reflection about self delusion proceeds. cale thinks about how he doesn't know what he's going to do at university, or even what he wants to do. because cale doesn't know what he wants, doesnt' know what interests are real, and which are only manufactured. cale doesn't know what he wants to do with his life because after years of performance he doesn't remember who he is, or if he's even alive. because cale doesn't feel alive anymore. he only feels like he exists, waking up day after day with no reason for doing anything, knowing only that he has to busy himself before his mind can wander. his life revolves around the evasion of pain. he thinks about how he only has a few friends, and there are times when he wonders about them, wonders why it's always him calling mila, wondering why some people forget to invite him to things, wondering if him and certain people are only friends because of mutual desperation. he wonders why there are only two people in this world he loves, and why they don't even know he's alive. he curses himself for mistakes he's made, the dumb things he's said, the things he should have said but didn't. mostly he curses himself for not getting into the car that night, for not asking if it would be alright if he got a ride home from him and not des. because maybe then things would have gone differently. he wonders if he will ever look better than he does, if he'll ever be able to stop hiding the imperfections. all the guys his age, especially the gay guys, are cute, and they're all thin, perfect bodies. they have nice hair, and nice smiles. cale doesn't. he hates his hair. he hates his face. everyone says that cale is skinny, but they're wrong. cale knows why he's shy. it's because he doesn't remember who he is, and has nothing to say. he's been acting for so long he's forgotten how to communicate. and when he does talk, it's never what he means, never what he wants to say. it's always a performance, always to impress someone else. people say that cale is strong. but he isn't. he's weak, tired. he gets more and more tired with each day, trying to keep up apearances. he doesn't know why he speaks in third person, only that it seem fitting.
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