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[8/4/2001 7:59:48 PM | Cale Fisher] It's been a long time since the last update. I've had trouble with getting to a computer, not to mention privacy since people seem to keep bugging me lately. And it's still going to be another month until i get internet again (because I threatened to move out if my mom didn't reconnect it for school). I've just gone through a weird kind of phase, but luckily I'm coming out of it. Recently, I've started to realize just how annoying sherisse is and am understanding why Mila doesn't like her. To date I can't recall anything she's said that's profound, interesting, or otherwise inciteful. And I feel bad because I did nothing and said nothing when Sherisse ridiculed one of the girls from school, even joining in the behind-the-back name-calling. It was unprovoked, uncalled for, and generally disgusting...I can't believe I was a part of it simply because I wanted to look good in Sherisse's eyes. I can't be sure, but I think I ended our friendship the other night after myself, Steph, JOhn, and Sherisse went to see Planet of the Apes (amazing movie, btw). Sherisse wanted to come to my house and I said no. She said too bad and proceeded to drive to my house. When we got there I told her she wasn't coming in and I was serious. She said she was going home then and I haven't heard from her since. I'm not entirely sure what lead me to do it, but so far I have no regrets. For a while, I thought I might have cut myself off from Steph and Mel, but we've done things since. Actually, I'm starting to think they feel the same way about Sherisse that I do. Anyway, enough about her. I got an email from Mila a few days ago. She was wondering why I hadn't emailed her in such a long time, and I really don't know why. It's been troubling me. I know I wanted to write or call her, but for some reason I didn't...possibly fear of rejection, since we've been getting to know each other very well, exposing all our secrets since Mila found my this page anyway :P So I wrote back and sent her my number since she had lost it and couldn't find me in the phone book. Then she called and we got caught up and are planning on going to play laser tag with Heather sometime soon. I can't wait--I miss both of them. I finally saw Mel the other day after several failed plans to do something together. It was good times--Steph, her and me rented DVDs and had pizza. I'm working on a page of Mel quotes that I'll put up when I have some extra time. Today I saw Claudia at Roger's (that's a video store for any Americans :). She was working behind the counter and we looked right at each other and smiled, but I didn't realize it was her. On the why out she said 'bye, cale' and I noticed her name tag. It wasn't until I got in the car that I realized who it was. She was wearing her hair down and seems very different, more confident, even more beautiful than usual. I'll have to go back and talk to her sometime so she doesn't think i snubbed her. In the last two weeks I've been very bored, even though I've been very busy. I want school to start again so I can have something to do, something productive that is. I'm still trying to figure out my schedule, since I've decided to stay for the full two years, something I know I'll regret. On the topic of school, I got my report card the other day...94.75%average...I think that's the best yet. I got two questions wrong on the math exam and my mark dropped 5%. Oh, just wanted to say I saw my mentions in the Blogs section of Julian's page and it made me feel kind of special, though I am wondering about the term of "The Canadians" There's alot more I want to say, but my aunt keeps walking in so I'll have to do it later.
[8/7/2001 9:44:07 PM | Cale Fisher] I went to Mila's house today with Heather. The plan was to play laser tag, but we never got to it because Mila suffered from some insomnia last night and it was far too comfortable just sitting in the air conditioning. It was my first time ever at Mila's house, and it was exactly as I imagined: huge, lots of books, soft jazz music playing in the background. Some of her friends stopped in. They were nice, but I felt a bit uncomfortable. To date, Mila's the only really upper class person I've ever met. They talked about trips to Washington, trips to Norway, trips to Mexico, a week on a tallship. I didn't know whether to feel jealous or happy for them and that in itself made me wonder about myself. Financially, I have things fairly well and there's no reason why I should resent anyone else having money. I don't like the feeling at all. But her friends, Jake and Chris, were hilarious. They're planning a game they've called Cat and Mouse, where they're going to be chased by cars through London. Starting in the morning, Jake and Chris, the mice, will have an hour to get away from the Cats and pick up supplies. Then for 12 hours, they have to manage to elude the Cats while completing a series of challenges as well, including photographing the Cats, having a sit-down dinner, and going on Speakers' Corner. Every hour they have to call the Cats, consisting of two groups in two cars, and tell them exactly where they are. The Cats win if they can come within 20 feet of the mice in open space. Though we didn't get much time to talk, it was nice seeing Mila in person again. I can't wait until school starts so we can see each other everyday. Heather's a fun person to drive with. I don't think we've ever talked so much. So all in all, it was a good day.
[8/8/2001 10:24:14 PM | Cale Fisher] So, today I've been thinking alot, and reading, two things I always do at the same time. Again I'm second-guessing myself, considering graduating in one year instead of two. But I still don't know what I'm going to take in university. For sure, aerospace engineering is out now...I have it narrowed down to architecture, chemical engineering, and accounting, though I am also thinking about computer science. And not being able to decide poses a big problem. With one year left, I have 8 slots for courses and only a month or so to make changes. What I do now will determine what happens to me over at least the next 2 years, maybe more. I don't know how to decide. But I have no choice, the time for fence-sitting is over. Please, anyone who is reading this, give me any advice you have. My new email addy is calefisher@hotmail.com I feel confident that I could be successful in any of these courses and I feel that my good grades have become a curse, rather than a gift. I wish I were exceptionally good in one area, then I could make my choice more easily. I'm also troubled for the fact that writing has been left out of my list of potential university courses. It's not something I want to give up, but the chances of becoming successful at it as a career is slim to nil. I've been reading Continent, Jim Crace's first novel, both for relaxation and for preparation in writing a short story. It's a very short book, but absolutely beautiful and completely true to life. Between the chapters, I stop and think and worry and dream about my own life. Lately I've been having weird feelings about Mila, feelings I've never had before for anyone. Is she my friend, do I like her, do i love her--am I in love with her? Can I be gay and in love with a woman at the same time? Is it possible to even have such feelings for a friend? I think about her frequently, but am afraid to call her. I know she is among the most beautiful people I've ever met, and yet I'm not attracted to her in that way. Is this just infatuation or something more? Could it be that we're just close friends? When I think about it, I'm reminded of a description of friendship from about 300 years ago: "the highest degree of intimacey." Perhaps I'm experiencing friendship in this definition for the first time. Perhaps it will pass, but I don't want it to, even with the confusion that comes with it. It might be nice to have someone who I can say I love.
[8/12/2001 12:47:34 AM | Cale Fisher] After talking with many, many people, I've finally made some choices about school. I'm going to fast track, 8 courses, 7 OAC and go to University of Toronto next year. I've decided to break a promise I made to myself and go into medicine, though no decisions yet on exactly what field. But I won't have to decide that for another 4 years anyway. The downside is I probably won't be out of school until i'm 27... There's still much confusion about Mila. I wrote her a long email and am hoping she doesn't think I'm too pathetic after reading it. This weekend's been fun so far. Friday I went to American Pie 2 with Steph, Sherisse, and Desi. It was hilarious, and it isn't easy for me to admit that. After the movie Steph and I went swimming and hot-tubing. It was good times. Today me, Desi, and Steph went to London and wandered around downtown. I found Cafe One, Mila's hangout and we stopped in for a drink. I love coffee places like that, clean, good food, friendly staff, art work on the walls. I wish there were one in my town.
[8/15/2001 11:34:10 PM | Cale Fisher] So, I've been mad studying lately, finally decided to go get my licence. Everyone says the test is easy, but it costs $120 and if i fail, i have to pay again so that's what i've been doing the last couple of days. Yesterday Steph came over and watched Wonderboys. It's easily one of the best movies I've ever seen, right up there with American Beauty and Wit. My whole social situation is changing, I think. It used to be that I knew a large group of people medium well, but now I'm getting into a situation where I know a small group of people extremely well. I don't mind it, but it does seem like I'm leaving alot of people behind. There's been no contact with Mila since I sent her that email. I knew she was going to Toronto for the weekend, but I thought she would have been back by now. So I don't know if she just hasn't gotten it yet, or if I've maybe come on too strong. It worries me, the thought of losing the first person I've ever gotten this close to. Is it just me, or does everyone go through periods of intense socializing, lots of energy and good times followed by periods of hermitage, no energy, and sometimes bad times? I see it happening to some of the people around me, almost always at the same time as me. It's strange...even look at my writing here compared to a few months ago...it's not the same. I wonder why it happens. The other night I was going through my old writers' workshop book and found a poem. I remembered it from last year, but it had no importance to me then. I remembered that Kinczyk liked it, as did Mila, so I decided to give it a second chance. Since then I've read it at least 30 times and have it almost committed to memory. It's very beautiful For E.J.P.
I once believed a single line
I chose a lonely country
Brown petals wind like fire around my poems ~ Leonard Cohen
[8/20/2001 2:35:30 AM | Cale Fisher] So, been hanging out with Desi and Steph alot lately. I came out to Steph, Desi already knew. It's nice letting people know. We've been watching movies and going to the park late at night. I rode with Desi on the back of her motorbike a few days ago, which was very fun. We went to the crappy carnival thing that comes to town once a year. The rides and games were all stupid and far too expensive, but Star 67 was playing so it wasn't a total loss. Yesterday was good...the PU's were out of town all day and I had the house to myself. Steph and I ended up going to the movies with Mel to see Americna Pie 2 again. I was supposed to write my licence test, but for the past few days I havent' been able to find my aunt, which is really strange because she drove by me downtown. So I'm still waiting to do that. On Friday Sherisse wanted me to go with her to Hamilton so she could do some college-related things and then go see a movie. I didn't know how to say no and not be rude, so I said I would, but later cancelled. I felt bad, but a four hour drive with Sherisse just isn't something I need right now. I've been dreaming alot again. It's good, but it happens in the morning and I've been sleeping in extremely late. There's alot more I want to say, but if I did and certain people found out about this page, I'd be dead.
[8/25/2001 2:20:23 AM | Cale Fisher] This would have been my entry for the 21, but I'm just now writing it on the 24. So I'll put it up with the 24th entry and separate them. Steph invited me over to watch movies with Mel. What she neglected to mention was that Mike would be there. She said she was going to set me up with him, but I thought she was joking. I didn't mind, because I really wanted to meet him, but it would have been nice to have some warning. I was dressed in really ugly laundry-day clothes with a far-to-big shirt and dirty pants. We watched House on Haunted Hill...at least when I wasn't looking at Mike. He is, I think, my perfect guy: black hair, green eyes, fit, funny, friendly, and not afraid to be himself. I will admit that being around him is a bit intimidating because he's a little too gorgeous, works as a model even. I remember looking over at him and thinking that he's perfect, the way he sits with his legs crossed in that school classroom position, the way he laughs, the softness of his skin, the way he dresses, not showing off his obviously great body. His hands are flawless, exquisite. His confidence comes from a place far deeper than the average person. He admits to being a clutz, not being very cool, being obsessed with Britney Spears, but the confidence remains. I don't think he even understands how beautiful he is. Most truly beautiful people don't. After the movie, one of his favourites, had ended we went out to Timmy's for coffee. It was good until mel made me laugh just as I'm eating, as she frequently does. I ended up choking for 5 minutes on a piece of muffin, not quite the most attractive thing to do around my perfect guy. After that we went back to Steph's and Mel had to go home and myself, Steph, and Mike watched TV and talked a bit. He went home around 1am and I left about an hour later. It was a good night. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel strange, confused, even more than usual. The past few days have been really hard on me, being bombarded with far more emotions than I'm used to. A few days ago I got a call from Mila. I didn't answer some of her questions in an email and she decided she would pin me down. I suggested that since we were getting very close that maybe we could exchange hugs from time to time, the first real human contact I've ever allowed. When she asked me to elaborate I got scared off and just didn't mention it. But she said it would be fine after talking to her on the phone. Then we talked for about an hour about everything from writing exercises, to school, to guys (it's great to finally be able to talk about guys with friends :). I can't even express how awesome Mila is--she makes me feel genuinely happy. The next day I finally got my licence and went driving with my aunt to Port Stanley to visit my sister. The drive was pretty good, it wasn't bad for my first time. And things were good until we got to the bar where my sister works. I should mention that until now I wasn't allowed to know where it was or where my sister lived because they thought I would tell the family and then something would happen. I mean, for Christ's sake this family is fucked up. I'm so sick of everyone's little games. Why the hell should I not have the right to know how to contact my sister when they expect me to tell them every little thing about what's happening with me. Anyway, we get inside and my sister picks up a half-full plastic cup of beer that's been abandoned on the counter and takes a drink. Of course I start in saying how she doesn't know who it belongs to and they could have open mouth wounds and herpes or any number of diseases. Then she says 'oh, it's probably just my boss's.' What happened next really pissed me off. My aunt yells out 'he's a fag!' What the fuck does that have to do with anything! And why the hell would someone who bleats endlessly about hate and discrimination say something like that! I guess it only matters when its directed towards you own minority group or something. Why are people so stupid? After we get back to St. Thomas I go back to my aunt's house and I really want to leave, but don't want to be rude about it considering she just paid $100 for my licence, plus $50 for books, and lunch. Luckily, when I get on the computer Steph sends me an ICQ and asks if I want to come over and watch a movie with her and Mel. So I have an excuse for leaving and go over there around 7:00. We watched half an hour of the Mexican then switched to Fight Club and saw about half of it before Mel had to leave. Her parents make her come home no later than around 10:00, poor girl. As always, Mel was hilarious and brightened my day. After Mel leaves, Steph and I are alone and she tells me that Mike would be interested in going out sometime if I give a time and a place. Mike's one of Steph's long-time friends, works at McDonalds, and is cute beyond belief. She said she was going to set me up with him--I thought jokingly--and one night invited me over to watch movies with her and Mel, not mentioning that Mike would be there. But I'm glad she did because I had a great time that night, even if I was overly shy around Mike. So now on top of everything else I have a whole new collection of emotions to deal with: self-consciousness, shyness, self-loathing as I realize I'm far too much of a chicken to make the first move. And all I can think about is Mike, my first chance at a boyfriend, an opportunity to spend some time with a great person, to be around a guy that fits my description of perfect, and what do I do? Nothing! Today I'm hoping that maybe things will get better, but guess what happens? Sherisse calls and asks if I want to go to the movies. What I want to say is 'no, I find your company vapid and don't want to speak to you again,' but of course I say yes, as I always do. And I get to spend my day wasting $10 I could use to rent movies and invite Mike over on a crappy, over-priced movie I don't want to see, sitting next to Sherisse as she talks too loudly in the theatre, and walking next to Sherisse as she drags me to various stores where I don't want to be. Thank god she dropped me off earlier than usual and didn't try to come in. But it doesn't end just yet. I get home and my Mom is nicely set up on a few beers, too many hours in the sun today, and probably some pot thrown in as well. She starts in on how I have no idea how easy I have it and how I'm just a spoiled brat who thinks I know it all. Just when you think it can't get any worse, she randomly switches over to her usual sob stories about her first marriage and my sister and blizz-blazz, and on and on and on until I finally just leave the room and go downstairs to read. Much to my annoyance, I can still hear her talking from downstairs, eventhough there's no one with her. And now her husband #3 is home and she's decided to start a fight, the usual weekly thing where they accuse each other of cheating on the other and threaten divorce and then drunkenly fuck each other after, as I either turn up some music loudly or get out of this crappy house so I don't have to hear. Dear god! will it ever end? so I'm going in a week early to have my schedule changed around, because I'm not taking any chances on having to take two more years of school. Because I want out, and I don't want to stay here for one more minute than is necessary.
August 29, 2001 So the last few days have been really busy. I mean really busy. Monday I got up around 7am and had to go into school to have my schedule re-arranged so that I can graduate in one year. Steph and I met Mel at the school at 10 to 9 so we could pick out our lockers. We got three in a row in the history hallway. By the time we got there, there were already 16 people in line ahead of me and Steph to see guidance counsellors. Mel got there at 20 to 8 and was number 4 in line. And since there were only 2 guidance counsellors in there, they got through about 7 people an hour. It was moving so slowly we had time to go to Timmy's and by the time we came back the waiting list was up to about 70 names. Finally, around 11 I got in to see Mr. Mattingly. But Central didn't have all the courses I need to take available. So I'd pretty much wasted 2 hours sitting around. After that we left and drove to Mike's house since we were planning on doing movies that night and wanted him to come along. But when Steph went inside his house, he was still sleeping. So then we went to the mall so Mel and Steph could buy school supplies and Mel needed a present for her brother's birthday. At 1pm mel dropped us off at Steph's house and had to go home. The two of us drove to St. Joe's to get a course schedule and see about cross-registering, and then to Parkside for their schedule. I figured out that I could get all the courses I need if I went to St. Joe's in the morning for first semester and then came back to Central in the afternoon. And in second semester I'd have to transfer to St. Joe's entirely. But the thing is St. Joe's is a Catholic school, which means uniforms, and probably having to pay extra money. So I'm closer, but still have to figure a few things out before I make any permanent changes. Steph came to my house around 8 to watch Silent of the Lambs. We rented it and Hannibal and the plan was for Mike and Mel to come over, but neither of them could make it. I felt really stupid because I spent 4 hours cleaning on Saturday and about an hour getting ready Monday to make a good impression on Mike. I know, I'm pathetic, but I like him alot. Tuesday was almost exactly the same. All of us were at the school at 9 again and waiting to see a guidance counsellor. I got the forms I need for cross registration and transferring, but I'll probably have to go in at least once more. The good thing was Mila came in to do her schedule changes and I got to see her, even if it was only for 15 minutes. We hugged and had a short conversation before she and Paul left. In the guidance office I found Cynthia who had a field day with the news that I was going to Catholic school. Mel had a major blow-out with her Mom and wasn't going to be able to come over to watch Hannibal with us. But she got off work 2 hours early and was able to make it after all. So around 6 I had Mel, Steph, Desi, and Desi's friend Nadine over. The movie was okay, but not great. Silence of the Lambs was way better and Juliane Moore is a far cry from Jodie Foster. Then today I slept in and took my cross registration form in to Central. Tomorrow I have to take a copy into St. Joe's and my first semester schedule will be done. I've been thinking more about being openly gay at school. My latest idea is to put pictures of hot guys up in my locker and then let people figure it out on their own. I'm still asking people advice though and nothing's been decided yet.
August 30, 2001 12:03am I can't remember ever feeling this down. It seems like everything's going wrong all at once. But really things are pretty normal. I'm just not handling myself very well. Almost everyone seems to get on my nerves lately. I feel like crap, because I've become very insecure lately. I used to be sure of everything, but now I don't know. I'm having body issues, and appearance issues, and money issues, and confidence issues. I'm worried I won't be able to handle school this year. I'm resentful about not being rich. I'm scared I'm going to be alone forever. I feel like I have no purpose anymore, and that I never really had one before. Getting up is becoming more and more difficult everyday. It just seems like there's no one left to play with, when there is. I have more close friends now than I ever have. But friends aren't enough anymore--I want a boyfriend. And I want to stop hiding. I'm tired of pretending to be someone else. I want to be able to talk about how cute Mike is to anyone who will listen. And more than anything I want Mike to notice me. But it's not going to happen. Because nothing ever goes right when I need it to. [August 31, 2001 2:53pm] I felt alot better yesterday when I woke up. At first, it looked like my day was going to get worse when my mom started in on a case of beer and playing bad music from 20 years ago way too loudly. But Steph called and saved me. I went over to her house around 8:30 to watch movies with her, Desi, and Mel, but Mel didn't show up until around 9:30 because work was busy and they needed her to stay. Then Mike called and came over. Desi and Steph took the couch before he came so that he'd have no choice but to sit in the chair next to me. It was good times. He changed his hair--it looks good, from the side he kind of looks like the neighbour that films everything in American Beauty. And he smelled great :P So Mel finally showed up and we started watching the SEarch for the Holy Grail, but it wasn't as goood as I remembered and eventually got turned off. After Mel left, Sherisse came over, which wasn't all that fun. But I did get to go to Timmy's with Mike so overall the night was pretty good. Today I was going to take my cross-registration forms into St. Joe's. I got there at 2:00 and the sign on the door said the office closed at 11:30. The school won't be open again before the first day of school, so I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll probably end up missing the first day, unless I can go in an hour or so early in the morning and hope they'll sign me up then. And just as I left St. Joe's it started pouring out. I was soaked by the time I got home. Not much else to say--getting together with Mel and Steph tonight. Sherisse will probably be there too...sigh.
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